Am I There Yet?

Getting there....
Getting there….

I see them. I feel them.

They’re all around me.

Taunting me. Teasing me.

Making a fool out of me.

They used to look vibrant.

And happy.

And alive.

Now they’re nothing but a hallow pit.

A bitter reminder of what we used to be.

Of how we used to feel.

A torch that used to burn bright.

Now they’re only dying embers.

Faintly glowing.

Slowly dying.

I’m trying to decipher what they are.

Trying to fathom what they actually mean.

Then it hit me.

Suddenly it struck me.

Fading memories.

Dying emotions.

Fleeing sparks.

Love is really transitory.

This faded picture tells our story.

The end.

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Ultimo Tiempo..

Endless

From the moment you hold your baby in your arms, you will never be the same. You might long for the person you were before, when you had freedom and time, and nothing in particular to worry about. You will know tiredness like you never knew it before, and days will run into days that are exactly the same, full of feedings and burping, diaper changes and crying, whining and fighting, power naps and lack of naps. It might even seem like a never ending cycle.

But don’t forget, there is a last time for everything. There will come a time when you will feed your baby for the last time. They will fall asleep on you after a long day and it will be last time you ever hold your sleeping child. One day you will carry them on your hip, then set them down and never pick them up that way again. You will scrub their hair in the bath one night and from that day on they will want to bathe alone. They will hold your hand to cross the road, then never reach for it again. They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles, and it will be the last night you ever wake to this. One afternoon you will sing “itsy bitsy spider” and do all the actions, then never sing them that song again. They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate, the next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone. You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your last dirty face. They will one day run to you with arms raised, for the very last time.

The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time until there are no more times, and even then, it will take you a while to realize.

So while you are living in these times, remember there are only so many of them and when they are gone, you will yearn for just one more day of them.

For one last time.

I was. I am. I will be.

I was. I am. I will be.

Well some says that there will come a time when nothing seems pleasing anymore. When even the most trivial things annoy you. When you will find it hard to even crack a little smile. When you feel like the chip on your shoulders is beginning to tear you apart. A few years back, I don’t believe this notion. Hell, I even ridicule this thought and firmly declared that I won’t morph into such a pathetic being. But I guess, time is indeed a funny thing. Now it seems like my years are slowly crippling my compassion. I swear I can now taste a hint of vile bitterness in my mouth. Is it because I’ve seen enough? Or perhaps because I’ve seen nothing? Maybe because I have too much or because I accomplished nothing? Truth of the matter is I don’t know. All I know is that when I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, I realized that I wasn’t who I used to be. The lines I used to have due to excessive laughing and smiling are now nothing but faint traces. My eyes looks like a dull orb dominating my face, the sparkle it used to have are long gone. Even my cheerful gait turned into a lifeless limp. Some people will chalk it up to aging or maturing. But I know better. Yes, I’ve changed. A lot. Sad to say it’s not for the better. Will I stay this way? Will I age like this? Will I die being this kind of human being? No. No. NO. I refuse to be so. I am still a part of the world. I am still a part of someone else’s life. My husband. My kids. My sister. My friends. Yes. There’s still so much I can give. So much I can feel. So much I can do. Time and unbearable experiences may have led me to be this sad, broken and pessimistic person that I am right now, but I know for certain that I can find my way back. I will find my way back. To being happy. To being naïve. To being loving. To being forgiving. To being contented. To being better. I refuse to be a derelict of this world. I refuse to be the inconspicuous bearer of tragedies that this life entails. I will be a name worth remembering. A memory worth celebrating. A though worth sharing. I WILL BE….