AGAIN

The feeling of incompetency is plaguing me again. There’s that voice inside my head telling me I’m no good. My limitations are once again crippling me. The shadows of doubts, devouring my efforts to be better.

I am led to a lot of questions. Can I really write? Am I really good at writing? Or perhaps I am just delusional? Too blinded to see that the pieces I wrote are just that, PIECES! Fragments of nothing. Meaningless ranting. Useless outburst.

Yes, I am drowning in negativism. I am consumed with self-loathing. And it hurts. It stings. Badly.

I don’t know where I am heading or if I am really heading somewhere. All I know is I’m stuck. Here, in a limbo. In this senseless in between. Where the punches of my yesteryear and the pay back hits are beating me to a pulp and reminding how little I accomplished. At 7 years past 20, I am still a vague being with no solid identity. No legacy to leave behind. No memories worth remembering. No words worth sharing.

I tried to fix my eye on the goal. I tried to see where I wanted to be. Who I wanted to be. But the view is hazy. My sight is obscured. Clouded by doubts. Hindered by self pity.

 

But I will try again. Tomorrow, when the dim memories of the night are washed away by the brightness of the rising sun.  When the dawn offers a new hope. When the cape of darkness is abolished by broad daylight

I will dream again. I will aim again. I will fight again. I swear I will.

Tomorrow.

 

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Predators and Prey.

In this world, it hurts not to be perfect. Some people will bleed you dry merely because you are not up to their standards. Some of them will even put you through a microscopic glance trying to detect even the slightest of your shortcoming. Once they pinpointed where you’re lacking, they will hit you there, repeatedly. Dare to ask why? I don’t know. Perhaps because they find it amusing. Makes them feel better about themselves. Or maybe because this is a really nice stroke to their ego. Fact is, these ‘superior’ beings are no better than a predator. They will prey on you until you are decimated to almost nothing. Until you are drowning in the infinite pool of self doubt. Until you no longer believe in your own capabilities. Trust me, I’ve seen them. And once or twice, I went through their scrutiny. But instead of wallowing in the quicksand of self pity that they are offering, I opted to give them my best “kiss my ass” stare and proudly salute them with my middle finger. For I am well aware of who I am. Of what I can and cannot do. And yes, I am limited. Perhaps it is even inevitable that I fail. But that doesn’t give anyone a license to judge me or to even hint that I am not going to amount to anything. So for those who chose to be defeated by this kind of people, get up! Kick this m*therfuckers in the shins and get your self respect back! Keep in mind that, whatever your flaws are, it is yours and yours alone. No theirs to exploit. Gaining their stamp of approval is not worthy of your time. For in their perspective, they are and will always be better than anyone else.

Through the Looking Glass..

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I saw her wither away. From flesh to bones to dust.

She used to glitter, used to flare. Now her constant state is aghast.

She almost turned gray. Oh! Nothing else last.

She could be someone. She chose to be no one.

Flicker. Sparkle. Colors all gone.

She lay slain. Immobilized and stunned.

Please  Mr.Mirror show me a different thee.

This reflection makes me want to flee.

Show me. Help me. Make me see.

A different version of ME.