I saw a bouquet of wilted flowers. Some flowers from a not so distant past. As far as my bleak retrospection can see, those flowers used to be so vibrant, so vital, and too alive not to be noticed. But now, all they are a few dying petals. Brown and desolated. Languished and ravaged. Not so different from the memories that come along with it. A recollection of fading emotions and fleeing sparks faintly glowing, slowly dying.
He was a name from my childhood days, that one little boy that I kept sneaking a glimpse at every single day. My pesky little crush. He was unreachable. He was too near yet too far. Literally.
I was so grateful that my last name starts with F and his starts with an E when our teacher announced that the sitting assignment will be alphabetically arranged. I hooted with glee inside. Why not, I get to sit next to him the whole school year. A real treat for a silly little girl like me. But the proximity did not give me the edge I am hoping for, because for the duration of that year he never even noticed me. Not even once.
Well, I think he might. It is when I cried endlessly when he accidentally injured his face, an accident that left a permanent scar in his eyebrow. Tears are streaming down my agitated face and he was just looking at me like I am some kind of freak show. But I don’t really care. I never really did any way. I was too scared for him. I even thought that he might lose like tons of blood. I was that sick to my stomach. I was overflowing with concern for him. But I can see that he didn’t really notice that. If anything, he is embarrassed. Why not? I am no one. We are not connected in any way, so I was definitely acting way out of my league.
No matter how intense my feeling is for him, I guess he will never really care. Why would, right? How could he? I was just a name he heard, but he never really bothered to know.
We went on like that for the rest of our grade school year. Or should I say I went on like that for the rest of our grade school year? I was there for him while he didn’t know I exist. I see the world in him. He does not know the world bears someone like me. My young heart learned all about love because of him. He saw love in the smile of the girl next to me.
Graduation day became my closure day. Closure for something that never even started. I bravely ask for a picture with him, but he declined. Not directly, but at the end of the ceremony, I still did not get a snap with him. I guess that is the day that I decided that I am a person with no significance for him. A face he will never even bother to remember. So as I move my tassel, I also move that tiny little space inside me that I hold for him. I decided to finally see things as they are and not how I hope they would be.
Don’t get me wrong, it was not that hard. I was young. And I am not jaded. I am not tainted by what I felt for him. It can’t even be considered as a heart break. In a matter of months I can say that I can’t even recall the days I longed for him. And as years pass by, he became just someone I recognized but not fully commemorate.
But then, destiny has something different in store for us. A tiny twist of fate brought us together. There comes the divine intervention that I have been wishing for, slowly happiness finally open the door. One night, we just found ourselves lying next to each other. The memory is a bit vague and a little dim. But that was the night that I believed again in forever, in happily ever after, in fairy tales. I fell in love. Madly in love that I forgot that love is nothing but magic.
Not long after, the spell that bound us together gave us a little son, an angel that symbolizes our love, the embodiment of our reality ever after. Our own bundle of never ending joy. Out little Urijah.
But, I’m not going to lie. It’s not always rainbows and butterflies. Our time together isn’t all that peachy. Some roads we’ve traveled are bumpy and ragged. We’ve had our fair share of chaos. Those never ending arguments and silly fights and complicated misunderstandings are constantly haunting us. But at the end of the day we still find a common ground. We agree to disagree. We work with each other. Tolerate each other. Give each other unlimited chances to be better. Often cut each other some slack. Forgive each other. Love each other. Every single day.
We had a roller coaster ride, a wild and gut-wrenching indeed. But instead of holding onto the safety handles, we opt to hold each other’s hand. Immensely trusting each other and knowing that even if we fall, at least we will fall together.
We were happy. Or so I thought.
They say nothing last forever. And now I know that nothing really does. After two years and five months of happiness and bliss, we came to a halt. He fell out of love, while I am still in love with him. He said, he said loves me but he is no longer in love with me.
Onceagain, I am that insignificant little girl vying for his attention. The only difference now is I am no longer someone he doesn’t know, I am now someone he used to know.
I see black every time I remember him. The black pit of desolation because he abandoned me, us. I see red, the hue of rage that I harbor for him. I see gray, the surge of pain that constantly kills me. I see white, that calmness before the storm, that desperation for peace. It all feels surreal, but it is not. It is real. It is raw. And it hurts, badly!
A month after this agonizing turmoil, I still am not sure where I am headed. I still feel pain, but I am refusing to nurse it. I am trying to move on, but my feet are half stuck. How do you let go when you’re too attached? Truth of the matter is, I am in a limbo, in a half-life. I am neither here nor there. I know I am grasping at straws but empty handed as I may be, I still can’t teach myself to let go. But I know I will eventually be where I wanted to be. I am too strong to stay broken.
I guess my only consolation is that, I HAD him. I did get that chance. He was mine. I realized that even if what we had was never really meant for forever. I still like to think we were meant to fall in love. That it was a love on chance, strung on paper kites, under half a sky, getting stuck in trees without names. We gave it all we had, with a handful of dried flowers and a map we carried upside down. It took us to places where tomorrow we’ll be in love with other people. And that’s a little hard to be sorry for. It really is.
To you, I will always remember to forget you. Always.