Lost Cause

 

Chances. Unlimited chances is what I gave him. Trying my hardest to see the good in him. For I know he is. Or at least he was.

He gave me a fairy tale. And then he yanked it away from me, said I don’t deserve it. That I was too unstable to be the princess in the story. Why? Because I was too damaged that I can’t think and act and live the way he wanted me to be. Or perhaps because he found me wallowing in a quick sand of insecurity. And instead of picking me up, he let me drown. Then told me that all along, it is my fault. That I am nothing but a psychopath who lives and thrives in the throngs of insanity.

Since then it was a nightmare. A tug of war. A trial by combat. To see who hits the hardest. To see who bleeds more. I tried, I really did. But I faltered, I miss a step and the sword hits me, straight through the heart.

As I lay there slain and immobile, I thought of why I was there in the first place. All I ever wanted is for each and every spectator to see that no, I am not the villain in the story. But I guess my efforts are futile, for the onlookers only see what the main characters wanted them to see. And hero of the story dubbed me as the insane antagonist.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not good. I never was. I am seven shades fucked up. Messed up to the point of no return. My mind is going haywire when confronted with situations that I cannot handle. I am retaliating in ways that no normal people can whenever I’m hurt. But is that enough to call me crazy? Is that enough to slander me? Is that enough to shame me? Is that enough to make me feel that I am beyond saving?

I know, I am not good, I can never be. But I am not bad neither. I was inclined to believe that somehow, in the farthest corner of a parallel world, there is still hope for me. But every time I tried to hold onto this thought, it feels like I am grasping at straws. Something that is there, but is always beyond what I could reach.

And now they won. He won. And I have no more chances to hand out. I can’t even give myself one.

‘Twas a battle I fought and a battle I lost. So I am stripping myself of all that I am, but know that I will not coincide with your reality anymore. I will not turn another cheek for the sake of your show. This is my life, and I won’t be told what is supposed to be right.

I am falling from grace with a very dull thud, but one day, someday, I will rise again with a deafening blaze. Without you.

Advertisements