I am writing to you because I feel restless. Sleep seems so evasive nowadays. I can’t sleep mainly because my head kept weaving alternate endings and I kept on imagining a different universe where happily ever afters, warm reunions, magical success and triumph over sadness exist.
So here I am picking up the pen that I thought I parked a long time ago, idlely nibbling at its end and then slowly etching, drawing and creating blurry lines, intertwined figures until finally a vivid picture. Of you, and how you used to be.
You have changed tremendously. You’ve gotten a tad slimmer but more wrinkled especially in the eye area. Yes my dear you are older. Now coated with 30 flavors and then some. Just a year ago, you are too busy handing out your heart to someone who you thought was your happily ever after. You are too intoxicated with the brand of his magic that you forgo sanity. Only to find out that his love bears an expiry, and then again, your fragile heart broke into a million tiny and irreparable pieces.
And now you are trying your damnest to be brave though you are still blinded. In your desolation, you are saying and doing things without so much regard for what will be left of you. You are now too guarded, too shy, too oblivious of your own strength, too cautious, too jaded. You are constantly discontented and you just don’t appreciate the person you see in the mirror. You are spending so many sleepless nights and clouded days thinking what the hell is wrong with you. You are lost and you cry out for help. You wanted to be found. Just this once.
But despite everything, I wanted to congratulate you for making it this far. For enduring miles of crowded hell just so you can live another day. For fighting countless monsters inside your head just to have a lingering shred of sanity.
My dear, you are still flawed in many ways. Most of your dreams and goals haven’t materialized yet but you now have a fiery yearning to fight. Please know that your yesterday self feels extremely proud of you. Look at you now. Standing up on your own and facing the world with a broken but still beating heart. And slowly, you are gaining a better vision of what and whom you want in your life. You are no longer that extremely giddy girl who jumped and fell for almost anything and ended up standing up for nothing. Your experiences, good and bad, have enriched you. Like a diamond in the rough, you are getting polished and the beauty of who you are is getting revealed little by little.
Please know that you are doing great, don’t fall prey to despair and negative thoughts. Because my dear, you are awesome. You are amazing and unique in ways that you won’t fully realize or see just yet. You are who you choose to be. So please choose to be happy. Choose loving who you are now more than who you were because even if you look back everyday and try your hardest to reconstruct or change me, you can’t. I can’t. We won’t be able to. So love us both, but love YOU more.
You can still grow even more beautiful, even more resilient, even more amazing. There’s so much fight left in you. So please just keep moving.
Who you used to be