Voices

voices Though I tried to fight the chaos in my mind,

The demons that lives within still renders me blind.

I thought I was free to come out of my shell

But, then the path to heaven runs through miles of crowded hell.

I was told that monsters sometimes live under the bed,

Never did I thought it will reside inside my head.

I am possessed with crude thoughts swimming around my retrospection.

Prodding and poking and beating me to the point of explosion.

 

There are days that it feels like everything I touch skid to a fall,

At the end of it all, the aftermath is something I cannot stall

I was just trying to love and cherish the joy it brings,

But my best intentions keep making a mess of things.

So what do you do when your good isn’t good enough?

When wherever you go, you are forced to stop?

When every time you hit restart,

You are obligated to cut off your heart?

Where do you turn?

When everyone expects nothing but to see you burn?

In a world full of people exploiting your frailty,

How do you rise up from your tragedy?

 

Do you think, if I slay myself to make them happy?

They will finally see the best in me?

The voices in my head said yes,

The voices in my head will finally come to rest.

Advertisements

Penta :)

penta

Perhaps, I will never see my name flashing in those bright lights,

But the way you utter my name with all those silly noise you make, sounds about right.

Perhaps the generations to come won’t recognize who I am or who I was,

But it is enough for me to know that you uncover the real me behind my mask.

Perhaps the wolf won’t long for me just as he howls for the moon,

But the way you stare at me lingers like it’s a long lost tune.

Perhaps no poet will write a sonnet for thee,

But the way you describe me, feels like a ballad already.

Perhaps, we will never be like Bonnie and Clyde

But who the hell cares, when I have you by my side?

Perhaps, the people will say that we are only temporary,

But I say, what matter is, I found YOU in the midst of all things transitory.

Perhaps, we are just another chapter in your story,

But believe me, in mine, you’re the best that I ever get to see.

Happy 5th Yummy. ❤

A little Perhaps, a lot of Buts.

Image may contain: 2 people, people smiling, people standing, ocean, sky, mountain, outdoor and nature

Perhaps, I will never see my name flashing in those bright lights,
But the way you utter my name with all those silly noises you make, sounds about right.

Perhaps the generations to come won’t recognize who I am or who I was,
But it is enough for me to know that you uncover the real me
behind my mask.

Perhaps the wolf won’t long for me just as he howls for the moon,
But the way you stare at me lingers like I’m a part of a long lost tune.

Perhaps no poet will write a sonnet for thee,
But the way you love me feels like a ballad already.

Perhaps we will never be Bonnie and Clyde,
But who the hell cares, when I have you by my side?

Perhaps the people will say that we are only temporary,
But I say, what matters is, I found YOU in the midst of all things transitory.

Perhaps we are merely a chapter in your story,
But believe me, in mine, you’re the best I ever get to see.

Happy 5th Yummy. 😘😘😘

#PongandJoy #JustUs #TeamYummy

Marka, Karma

Isa, Dalawa, Tatlo
Batid mo bang bilog ang mundo
Kahapon nakita ko,
Lahat ng taong tinapakan mo.
Kudlit ng ngiti’y sumilay sa labi ko
Pagkat pumapailanlang na ang saliw ng karma mo.

Apat, Lima, Anim
Pagkabunyag ng budhi mong kay itim
Bawat panig ng mundo’y sadyang narimarim
Masdan mo ang kinabukasan mong naninimdim
Ngayo’y mararanasan mong maiwan sa dilim
Tignan natin kung hanggang saan ang iyong maatim

Pito, Walo, Siyam
Oh, anong sarap sa pakiramdam
Ang makita kong pighati ang iyong katalamitam
Kamakailan lamang ay wala kang pakialam,
Akala mo luwalhati mo’y di na magpaparam
Yun naman palang karma mo’y saglit lang nabalam

Sampu
Ano’t ikaw ngayon ay nanlulumo?
Hindi ba’t binalaan na kita na sa bawat bugso
Ng pagiging bulaan mo at iyong pagkatuso
Hagupit ng mundo ang gaganti sa iyo
Patawarin mo ang simbuyo ng damdamin ko
Ngunit ikinagagalak kong pagdurusang iyong natatamo.

Ngipin sa ngipin, mata sa mata
Namnamin mo ang bagsik ng marka ni KARMA.

 

written last December 28, 2016, a Wednesday

Dahil Sayo

kame90th

Dahil sayo, natuto akong magDead Target, Heroes Evolved at Moba.
Dahil sayo, may kaagaw na ako sa kumot, unan at kama.
Dahil sayo, yung dati kong isang jumbo rice, ngaun kalahati na.
Dahil sayo, najogging ko yung buong Makati Park ng bongganga bongga.
Dahil sayo, yung dadalawang crunches at sit ups ko naging pitumpu’t lima.
Dahil sayo, daming haters, yung mga taga taas na feelingera.
Dahil sayo, yung kalat sa buong kwarto ko aba’y IMBA!

Pero…

Dahil sayo, hindi ako gaanong umiyak nung libing ni Papa.
Dahil sayo, si Chukoy may additional tagakarga.
Dahil sayo, may kadebate ako sa assignments ko kahit madalas monggoloid ka.
Dahil sayo, hindi na ko madalas maimbyerna.
Dahil sayo, nakakapagvent out na ko ng walang mema.
Dahil sayo, nakakangawa na ko kahit mukha akong gaga.
Dahil sayo, hindi ko na sinasarili lahat ng problema.
Dahil sayo, natuto akong muling magtiwala.
Dahil sayo, may nagsasabi na sa akin ng psst oy mahal kita.
Dahil sayo, natuto ulit akong maging masaya.

Kaya Yummy kahit alien ka, mahal kita talaga!

Happy 90th day!

I Promise

UStheDUO

Somewhere between a few cheap thrills of attraction, fleeting connections and almost lovers, you came along. You literally crashed into my life, and made my whole world halt. But as unexpected as our love may be, please know that I love you, more than you could ever love me.  Our story may not be able to surpass what you previously have, but I promise that ours will be different. Ours will be about us, and no one else.

In all the throngs of loving you, I promise that I will never dare to change you. I will appreciate all that you are, love all that you’re not and help you achieve all that you can be.

I promise that I always find time to laugh and be goofy with you. I will never let any moment go unnoticed. Together we will cherish even the trivial times like when you grab my hand and hold it tightly. I promise to always feel the warmth of each hug and will never be the first one to pull away.

I swear I will ask endless questions all the time, about your past and your present and your dreams of the future. I just wanted to know what ticks you off, what makes you happy, and what else I can do to give you all that you deserve.

I know it might be a bit creepy, but I like listening to your breathing maybe because I wanted to find the rhythm that your heart beats, hoping that each one rhymes with mine. And I promise that this will not change.

I promise to be the source of your happiness. And I promise to take you to places where you’ve never been. And don’t laugh at me when I snap photos of you or us. I just wanted to etch all our moments especially the candid ones into a more lasting pensive.

And no matter how tired I am, I promise to exert efforts to see you and be with you and act as if only today matters.

When the world hits you hard, I promise to be by your side to comfort you. I will be your number one fan and cheerleader. When you can’t find me beside you, know that I am right behind you, just a few steps back. Far enough to let you grow and close enough to catch you when you fall.

When I am not broke (though I’m not sure if this will be frequent :D), I promise to shop with you and for you. I will be there waiting patiently while you fit clothes or debate on which shoes you want to buy.

I promise to be all flirty and playful and silly with you. I will drink with you, and play with all night with you when we’re both drunk.

I promise that I will try my hardest to learn all your games. And that I will try to enjoy them with you or just watch you play it, instead of nagging you when you almost forget the whole world exist because you’re attacking another team.

I know you have been badly scarred before, so I promise that I will always be honest with you. I will never conceal anything that you need to now. I will be truthful and upfront in every way I can. And I swear, I will always let the universe know that you own me, and never will I let them forget it.

Forgive me but I promise to be obnoxious. I will always text and call and send you hundreds of messages, because I just want to let you know how I’m my day is going and I wanted to know how yours is.

I promise to be always be clingy and will always cuddle and kiss you and be affectionate, no matter how long we’re together. When there are times when we need to be far apart, I will build memories that I can share with you.

This might be difficult but I promise to keep it together and won’t allow the pull of my fears and the existence of my complexities hinder me from loving and seeing you for what you really are.

In our world today, it is indeed hard being content in a relationship when two individuals are consistently evolving, always wanting something else and to be someone else. Maybe it’s hard to grow with someone instead of maturing just on your own. Maybe it will be crazy, and difficult, and would make us give up and pack up and leave. But with you, I swear, that’s just what our love is for. Our love is in all the mishmash of things, of feelings, of wants and needs and whatever else. You made me realize that even when everything else is not going right, what we have is worth fighting for. So I promise, that even if the whole world is asking me to give up on you, I will never. I will never walk away, unless you asked me to.

 I love you, beyond infinity.  Happy 60th day Yum. 🙂

My Beautiful Beginning

yum

Before you, I only exist in a limbo where I made myself believe that love does not dwell. That a promise of forever is nothing but a figment of some wild and stupid imagination. Day by day, I build walls around me, confining myself to the thought that happily ever after fails, so never will I ever be poisoned again by all those nonsense fairy tales. I was neither here nor there, I belonged to no one and have no one, but I embedded in my mind that I am safe, I may not be ecstatic but at least, my heart is intact. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe that love works, but not for me, just for others.

Then there are days when we stumble upon beautiful things. Same old brand new day that we thought will just be the same as all our yesterdays. But subconsciously, I think I have been hoping for that ray of sunshine, that flicker of change. At the back of my mind, I can no longer sugar coat the fact that my loneliness is getting the best of the façade that I created.

All of the sudden, you came crashing into my sight. With your pretty face and hotter than summer body, you literally made my whole world stop. You smiled, and I was immediately under your spell. I was mesmerized by the way you stupidly fix your hair and repeatedly wink for no reason and deliver rubbish jokes whenever you feel like it and laugh at the most trivial things. But just like any other guys, I promised myself that you will just be one of the games that I will play. Someone whom I know but will not bother really knowing at all. That I will not, in any way fall for you. You will be one of my perky Decembers or perhaps a playful January. But never did I thought that you will be my sweetest February until you proved to be my soul-altering, mind-boggling March.

When I finally admitted that I love you and I am in love with you, I swore that I am choosing you. Your quirkiness, your deliberate stupidity, your endless list of escapades, your side chicks, your warmth, your delicious scent, ever irritating yet so adorable mannerisms, your soothing voice, your peculiar ways. You and all of you. The same way that I chose you, you chose me. You chose me over leaner and sexier body, prettier face and still keeps on choosing me every single day.

Through all of the days, nights, minutes and even seconds that we are together, I promise to be the person who stays by your side; who allots time and exerts effort to be with you; who wouldn’t sleep ’til we are okay; who attempts cooking your favorites; who would learn about your hobbies and be brave enough to try things uncomfortable or feared or new with you; who would support you when the entire world says you can’t; who would supply you with happy thoughts and beautiful memories; who would shout how much you mean to me; who would hold you close even if you smell from basketball practice or gym work outs; who would bite her tongue to quit nagging; who would call you to wake you up or remind you about important dates and events; who would be your light when it’s dark; who would be your honest companion; who would be the best version of herself so you could be the best version of you.

Please know that the simple lack of you means more to me than other people’s presence. And no matter how much you love me, I will always love you more.

Let go. :)

letgo

How do you let forever go?

How do you say goodbye to the person you thought you’d have at your side for the rest of your life?

Maybe this is how:

You start by not downplaying their significance.
You start by accepting that they mattered, in a way nobody before them ever did, and it’s possible that nobody after them ever will.

You start by accepting that you met your forever person when the timing was wrong or the stars weren’t aligned or in a Universe where the two of you just couldn’t make it to the finish line. You start by letting it sink in that maybe they were ‘The One,’ whether that’s a term that you believe in or not.

Because in some capacity, they were. They were the one person your heart felt capable of loving forever. And that means something.

It’s always going to.

But love isn’t always enough to keep two people together. So when you have to say goodbye to your forever person, be thankful.

And so when you have to let go of your forever person, do so calmly. Do so with gratitude. Do so with the understanding that we don’t get to keep all the gifts that we are given in life. Some things we’re just lent. And sometimes we have to let that be enough.

Because if you can be a big enough person to appreciate what you have while you have it, and to let it go with gratitude when it’s time to do so, you gain the respect of the one person who you’re never going to have to let go of: yourself.

You’re the one who’s going to be there through every twist and turn, every bump in the road, every beautiful beginning and painful ending. And when you’re facing the latter, it’s your forever person who’s going to get you through it. It’s you who’s going to figure out how to keep yourself moving forward when everything seems to be crumbling apart.

And so when you have to let the person you wanted to spend forever with go, don’t let the person you are going to spend forever with fall to pieces. Care for that person. Nourish that person. Be there for that person.

And above all else, be proud of that person.

Be proud that you didn’t hold back on the thing that matters most. Be proud that you gave it all you had, when you could have only gone in halfway. Be proud that you risked something as huge and important as your heart, even if it didn’t end up lasting forever.

Be proud that you now know yourself to be someone who is capable of loving someone else forever.

Because you, of all people, know how incredibly and intoxicatingly rare people like that happen to be.

And one day, you will realize that you are over them. It won’t be easy. It won’t be quick. And it won’t be a simple process. But it will just happen.

One fine day, you will meet a person who doesn’t make you feel empty anymore. You will meet a person who doesn’t remind you of them. And you’ll be ready. Ready to finally let go of that person that you used to want to marry. Ready to give up on that ‘forever’.

And you’ll finally be HAPPY. 🙂

A Story of a Blessed Saturday Morning

blessed

 

Last Saturday, I decided to be frugal on my way to school (rough translation, I’m broke. LOL!). So I did not hail a cab or book an Uber or GrabCar, instead I rode jeep and then a trolley that goes through PNR’s tracks to get to PUP.

For the past year that I am studying in PUP, I got on several trolleys but most of the time I get to ride this man’s trolley. So even if I’m in a tight financial situation, I decided to give him a little credit. Fare is only 10php and I gave him 50php then I told him to keep the change. What gets me in awe is his reaction. His face really lights up. And he said. “Naku Ma’am salamat. Ang aga nyo namang biyaya.”

And then it hit me. A mere 40php is already a blessing to him when here I am with about a thousand bucks in my pocket and I already think I’m broke as hell. Don’t get me wrong, I am not gunning for a hero spot or anything like that. Its just that I watched him maneuver the trolley with 10 people in it. And believe me when I say I have never seen a man catching his breathe that hard whenever we stop or the trolley glides on its own. So I was thinking that he actually earned what I gave him.

I don’t know but I think what I wanted to point out is how much he enlighten me. That no matter how bad you think your situation is, someone is having a tougher time. So thats how I got the biggest bang for my buck. A lesson on how to be grateful for all that you have instead of thinking what you are missing, that sometimes it pays to look at the glass half full instead of half empty. All for 40php. 😊😊

#astoryofablessedSaturday #LoveWhatMatters

Lost Cause

 

Chances. Unlimited chances is what I gave him. Trying my hardest to see the good in him. For I know he is. Or at least he was.

He gave me a fairy tale. And then he yanked it away from me, said I don’t deserve it. That I was too unstable to be the princess in the story. Why? Because I was too damaged that I can’t think and act and live the way he wanted me to be. Or perhaps because he found me wallowing in a quick sand of insecurity. And instead of picking me up, he let me drown. Then told me that all along, it is my fault. That I am nothing but a psychopath who lives and thrives in the throngs of insanity.

Since then it was a nightmare. A tug of war. A trial by combat. To see who hits the hardest. To see who bleeds more. I tried, I really did. But I faltered, I miss a step and the sword hits me, straight through the heart.

As I lay there slain and immobile, I thought of why I was there in the first place. All I ever wanted is for each and every spectator to see that no, I am not the villain in the story. But I guess my efforts are futile, for the onlookers only see what the main characters wanted them to see. And hero of the story dubbed me as the insane antagonist.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not good. I never was. I am seven shades fucked up. Messed up to the point of no return. My mind is going haywire when confronted with situations that I cannot handle. I am retaliating in ways that no normal people can whenever I’m hurt. But is that enough to call me crazy? Is that enough to slander me? Is that enough to shame me? Is that enough to make me feel that I am beyond saving?

I know, I am not good, I can never be. But I am not bad neither. I was inclined to believe that somehow, in the farthest corner of a parallel world, there is still hope for me. But every time I tried to hold onto this thought, it feels like I am grasping at straws. Something that is there, but is always beyond what I could reach.

And now they won. He won. And I have no more chances to hand out. I can’t even give myself one.

‘Twas a battle I fought and a battle I lost. So I am stripping myself of all that I am, but know that I will not coincide with your reality anymore. I will not turn another cheek for the sake of your show. This is my life, and I won’t be told what is supposed to be right.

I am falling from grace with a very dull thud, but one day, someday, I will rise again with a deafening blaze. Without you.